Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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