highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
