Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
