just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
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I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
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One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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