I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Found the puke drawer
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
