I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
