dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
