I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
