she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
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and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
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I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
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