i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize