I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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