i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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