This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
