My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
