I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize