on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
