I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
