lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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