Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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