ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Im part way to drunk.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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