Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
