I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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