the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
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Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
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Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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