You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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