We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
