This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
