as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
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I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
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Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
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