im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
