he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
