In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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