dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
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You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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