Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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