I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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