sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
