Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
