Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
