i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
