If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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