your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
