My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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