just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
