nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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