You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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