If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
