this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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