I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
