Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize