He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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