Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
