Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
