I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My penis needs a shock collar
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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