I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
