like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
