Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
