Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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